The Royal Court
by Redwood 2.0
Summary: Now I know what you're thinking, "Royal Court? Like the Lords and Ladies who reside with the Goblin King?" Nah. This is the story of how the Goblin King will sue Sarah for attempted Regicide purely to get into her pants. Obviously. Suing someone is the most logical way to get into someones pants. At least in the land of goblins. (crack masquerading as a real fic)
1. Chapter 1

Sarah sat at her vanity, a scroll of vellum clenched in a white fist.

It read, in sparkly iridescent ink:

_To the mortal Sarah Williams,_

_You have been summoned to the most decadent court of law by the most prestigious and yet generous and humble of Kings, whose name has been withheld from this document to protect him from your deviancy. _

_A hearing is to be held on the stroke of midnight. _

_Failure to arrive will result in your arrest._

_We do have fairy police and they will not be afraid to brutalise you, mortal scum._

_Please note that the dress code is : _**_1800s, sparkly, dress to impress, shindig_**

_We look forward to seeing you_

_Signed,_

_The Council of Console_

It was finished with an intricately swirling smiley face.

After 13 years, 13 days and 13 hours, she would have assumed that the Goblin King had long forgotten her.

Sure they had seen each other in passing every now and then, but surely she was so insignificant that he paid her no mind. Their encounters had always been so brief and barbed anyway.

After all, it was near impossible to avoid the Goblin King after she had begun having morning tea with the Troll King every second Tuesday. Their lands bordered right on one another, and he always seemed to be skulking around in rococo styled hooker boots needing some treaty or other signed.

Then she had seen him at the '_If it ain't Baroque, fix it' _Ball in the seventh kingdom of the little ones. They had danced briefly before he asked her if he had slept with her at some point in the 15th century. Unfortunately a demon from the faceless droning had attacked the ball before she had an opportunity to answer and by the time she had defeated the demon with the sword of perpetual dim light, he was long gone.

And of course there was the Fairy Queen's pie and mask making festival. Obviously he had been there. Sarah remembered vividly, wearing a gorgeous slip woven from spiders silk she had twirled about in the air with Tatiana, laughing over the nymphs pie making attempt (ever seen a pie that's filling was solely water?) before crashing headfirst into the Goblin King.

He had said, and she quoted, _"Ah, little Susan Walcott... Wasn't it? Yes, you were the runner who fell in love with my dwarf? How could I forget you?"_

So maybe he hadn't forgotten her, just thought she was a girl named Susan, Sarah thought, applying an even coat of a deep burgundy lipstick.

She decided to ignore the dress code an instead had opted for a grey, three-piece suit, a pair of Louboutins and a beautiful pair of pearl drop earrings that a mermaid had once given her after she had defeated a sea serpent that had been plaguing her family's seaweed farm.

Sarah knew when it was time for her hearing when her vanity began to glow a sickly blue. She pressed her hand against the mirror but instead of feeling cool glass, she was met with almost a gelatinous membrane that pulsed under her hand. Sarah pushed harder, trying her best to ignore the squelching and the impossible coolness that seeped over her clothing and deep into her skin.

And suddenly, just like that, she was standing before the Council of Console.

* * *

_A/N: YOOO WHAT UP MY LIFE IS FALLING TO SHITE. _

_Anyway, instead of dealing with these issues with therapy or whatever, I'm just writing shitty fanfics and hoping that my pain goes away. _

_I'm doing great. _

_Ignore any spelling or grammatical errors usually I would care but surprise! _

_This story is inspired by so many others and yet I can't even seem to be able to name one at the moment. I will totes find their names and list them in the authors notes sections._

_Just some context, Jareth totes called Sarah 'Susan' as a twisted power play. _

_I one hundo percent promise you that he sat down at his office desk for at least seven hours scribbling out various snaky things to say to her and was like, 'I shall call her Susan! It's perfect! She'll never get over that! and then I'll subtly imply that it was not I that fell in love with her or vice versa! It was she who fell in love with the dwarf! Genius! It's so humiliating!" _

_Yah._

_Tis what went down._

_Also that mermaid was also growing sea cannabis. I don't write stories. I write truths and I promise on my cat's grave that this is the truth._

_Leave a comment. I'd love to know your thoughts._


	2. Chapter 2

The Court of Console, was easily the most decadent court of law ever beheld. Probably why it was referred to as _'The Court of Console:_ _the most decadent court of law ever beheld.' _

The carpet was such a deep, plush red that her foot was nearly ankle deep in six inch heels and the walls were draped in at spectrum of red and gold satins and velvets that made her eyes water.

It was somehow a cloying combination of incredibly gaudy and yet almost classy.

Rather than having a normal stand, like any other court room, the Court of Console had a large set of gold scales, easily large enough to fit the six people sitting on it. Sarah remembered hearing all about this from Sir Didymus over a game of scrabble (he was a terrible gossip).

See the scales, according to Didymus, were what made the court so truly decadent.

It was not the chocolate river in the reception area or the free gift bag filled with diamonds, pearls and a Court of Console key ring that you got with every court case you attended.

No, every self respecting fairy court had that.

No, It was the way trials were performed that cemented its place as most decadent in all the realms.

On each side of the perfectly balanced scales sat three fae in grey robes, wearing intricate and foreboding masks representing the different classes of fae:

Those of the sky, those of the water and those of the earth.

Rather than having a judge, the scales would tip back and forth during the trial as an indication of who had the more compelling arguments.

As mentioned previously, it was _ridiculously _over the top and stupid.

Sarah went to fleck an imaginary speck of dust off her suit before checking herself and folding her arms instead. Fiddling was considered a sign of weakness to the fae and she had to remain strong.

At least until she got out of this place safely with her gift bag.

And suddenly, like an egg yolk running down her spine, the omnipresent voice of a thousand snakes slipped into her mind, _"The mortal Sarah Williams... you come before the court today for conspiring to kill the King of the Goblins... while... ambitious... this is most certainly a grievous crime."_

"What?" Sarah knew she was gaping but that honestly took her a bit by surprise. She had suspected the Goblin King had been coming after her for property damage, not regicide. She had, after all, trashed most of his kingdom the first time she went there.

Murder however was something else entirely.

Property damage was a few hours of community service. Murder could be a life sentence.

The voice, if it could show any emotion, sounded somewhat amused, _"The Goblin King will now state his case."_

Doors that Sarah previously hadn't noticed slammed open and with as much fanfare as you'd expect and then some, the Goblin King strode in.

To say he was a flurry of glitter, would be an understatement.

Literal synth music pulsed in time with his feline-like steps (_Where did he get synth music from? _Sarah wondered. _How was somehow, inexplicably, super appropriate for the courtroom setting?)_.  
His hair pulled back in a pony-tail made the King's features seem even sharper than usual and he was dressed to complement the room in a cloak of oil-slick black feathers and a shockingly blue, double breasted frock coat that had precious jewels sew meticulously on it in various constellations from all over the seven realms. Just peeping out at his throat was a stunning beautiful grey top that shifted in a kaleidoscope of colours from the blue of his coat to the red of the room. Sarah noted that the Goblin King's black boots, also encrusted with constellations, hovered perhaps about the width of a fairy's wing off the floor.

She rolled her eyes.

Of course he didn't want his boots sinking into the carpet.

"Court of Console," he said, sweeping into a bow that would have made even the most graceful of dancers sob tears of envy, "I come before you today with the most _dreadful _of accusations."

The fae on either side of the scale tittered obnoxiously and the Goblin King gave Sarah a sly wink as if they were co-conspirators or something else just as dreadful.

Sarah rolled her eyes again, cocking out one hip. Fine. He could play this game. She'd rub his ego and coo for a little bit if it meant she could go home in one non-sparkly piece.

"This _mortal_ you see before," the Goblin King's voice had taken on a soft and dangerous lilt, "is guilty of not one, _but two _crimes."

Sarah scoffed and the Goblin Monarch's eyes flashed angrily, his jaw clenching for less than an instant before he continued, "Not only is this _deviant woman_ conspiring to kill me in cold blood... She also ignored the dress code and therefore stands in contempt of court."

Sarah felt her heart plummet through her stomach as the scales jerked uneasily a mere millimetre towards Jareth's side of the room as the masked fae nodded knowingly at each other. Only the Court of Console would actually give a shit about her clothes in an attempted murder trial.

_"__That _**_is _**_a compelling argument, Jareth, King of Goblins... It does appear that the mortal has ignored the dress code. That suit if anything was inspired by the 1960s mod movement. Far too clean cut to be considered 1800s fashion," _the raspy snake voice conceded.

The Goblin King smirked, his sudden flash of anger melted away without a trace.

More mercurial than mercery itself and at least twice as shiny, the Goblin King folded his arms behind his back and began to swagger back and forth in front of the scales, his cloak fluttering as he went, "I first met the Williams girl 13 years ago. Over the course of 13 hours she proceeded to demolish much of my Kingdom, including half the Goblin city and a heritage listed bridge that enabled Goblins to safely pass over the Bog of Eternal Stench. This is when I first began to suspect that she was plotting to kill me."

"Your most honourable court, that's stupid a stupid claim! I object!" Sarah interjected, panic starting to rise as she watched the scales tip further in Jareth favour, "That bridge was rickety and you know it Goblin King. It clearly didn't pass any health code inspections in the last century," Sarah scowled, "You're exaggerating so the Court will take your side."

"I object to her objection," The King said smugly, "That bridge was built for the people, by the people and was tested monthly."

_"__How was the bridge tested, Goblin King?" _

"Every full moon one hundred chickens would run across the bridge and so long as one made it to the other side unscathed then the bridge was considered still functional."

_"__Well... No one can argue with that. Chicken testing is the only true way to ensure your property is up to code. Your objection has been overruled Miss Williams." _

Despite herself, Sarah growled.

The King of the Goblin's leapt back, his face the perfect mask of horror, "Court of Console, she's become animalistic. Even now I fear for my life. Surely the Williams girl will inflict some dreadful manner of mortal sorcery upon me."

_"__Be at peace Goblin King. No harm shall befall you while you are within the Court." _

_Dang it, _Sarah grumbled to herself.

She had to start defending herself pronto because the Goblin King was absolutely wiping the floor with her ass, while composing an Emmy award winning ballad about wiping the floor with her ass.

Employing her acting skills, Sarah forced her face into a reassured, confident smile and dipped into a rather elegant curtsey, "My most esteemed Court, please, forgive me. I forgot myself. It was completely inappropriate of me to disregard the dress code such a hallowed place. I shall try my best to not be so disrespectful again."

The voice of a thousand snakes made a sound that could best be described as a rather nonchalant hum but Sarah noticed a near imperceptible shift in the scales back towards the centre.

Feeling a little more confident Sarah continued, "When I first met the Goblin King 13 years ago, I had wished my brother away in a moment of anger and frustration. It was a decision I immediately regretted and so I asked the King for my brother's return. A challenge was set upon his terms that I would enter his labyrinth and if I completed within 13 hours, the Goblin King would let me and my brother go free. Those where the only rules and I did everything within my means to save my brother, including damage the Goblin King's kingdom. Though discourteous, it did not break his rules to destroy his Kingdom," Sarah took a deep breath before continuing, watching as the scales tipped slowly and uncertainly back towards the centre, "Anything bad that befell the Goblin King due to my hand within those 13 hours falls outside the jurisdiction of this most wondrous court, so say the rules of the ancient rules of the Labyrinth."

She may have been laying it on a bit thick with the "_most wondrous court" _bit, but it had worked. The scales teetered like a haunted seesaw between her side and Jareth's.

Casting the Goblin King a sidelong glance, she noticed a somewhat ambiguous, if not maniacal gleam had settled in his eyes.

If that alone didn't put her on edge, the fact that he had suddenly perked up from his dramatic spell looking far more cool and alert, like a wraith's hunting hound that had just caught a whiff of fresh blood, certainly did.

Feeling the voice of the Court slither through her mind again Sarah braced herself, _"This has been amusing for us so far... both parties take a short break. We shall reconvene when it suits us... The most decadent Court of Console is... adjourned."_

* * *

_A/N: _

_Sorry to slap y'all in the face with all this exposition. Originally this story was entirely for the sillies and then I got deep into the lore (Or the law you could say... haha comedy gold. Genius. self high-five...)_

_Fics that inspired this bad boy include:_

_\- Sazzle76's really wonderful '_The Goblinerette.' _It's such a classic as far as comedy fics in the labyrinth community._

\- _Literally anything by_ therealeatsshootsandleaves _or _thebabewiththepower. Once again, always bonafide gold with those two.

\- The Lady and the Knight. A_mazing story. Far more dramatic than this one and also far better._

_Also thank-you sooo very much to all the lovely reviewers. I've really striven to make a somewhat unique narrative and I love that people have noticed that._

_It made my day and on a final note I really just want to add that every month, around 99 chickens senslessly get pushed off a bridge into the Bog of Stench in the Goblin Kingdom. You can prevent this but only if you leave a review. (eyyyyyyyy, terrible self promotion)_


End file.
